*The following was written after returning home from the hospital after delivering Aryn*
Aryn J Hanson
These last 3 days have felt like a blur. Probably due to everything emotionally, and the medicine. It was a lot of work. First, we used citosin to get me to get contractions. By evening of the 2nd night, I started getting little ones. Around 1am today I was switched to a more aggressive medicine. I contacted for the next 9 hours. At 10:08, I delivered Aryn. 9 1/2 inches tall 290 grams. So beautiful. 10 fingers, 10 toes. Aryn had Adam's lips. The hospital was wonderful. They were very caring, and thoughtful, and went out of their way to make me and my family comfortable. They put this picture of the leaf and tear drop on my door so all doctors and nurses knew what was going on. Our parents contacted the Queen of Heaven mortuary for us.
Delivering Aryn was so hard. I chose to not do an epidural, (I have this horrible fear of needles anywhere near my spine) and used other medications to ease the pain. My body hurts all over, and to top it off, my heart aches. I begged to be released that day. I did not want to stay where other moms were enjoying the delivery of their babies. Maybe I was jealous, or angry, or just too sad. Either way, I'm glad to be home.
"The distance between joy and sorrow can be measured by a heartbeat."
*Celebrating Aryn's Second Birthday*
Saturday, November 7, 2009
*Celebrating Aryn's Third Birthday*
Looking back on all these posts I've made over the last 8 years on this day is remarkable. You have to really hand it social media and this push to "share memories". I am seeing it. The growth. It might be subtle, but it is truly there.
Upon returning home from the hospital, there was quite a bit to be done. We had to plan a funeral for Aryn. We had to decide on so many things. At 22 years old, this was completely out of my league. Thumbing through the funeral home's catalog along with my husband and my mother, we came upon the perfect urn. A royal blue color, which seemed so strong only to break through with gorgeous doves in flight. The urn, in the catalog, was called, "Coming Home". Yes. Aryn was in fact not with me but with our Lord. And I found peace in that. With my grandmothers and other family that had already passed away, he was safe with them until I got there. This urn would do just fine.
3 years ago today at 10:08 am, I delivered Aryn J Hanson only to have a chance to say goodbye forever to him. Happy Heavenly Birthday, Aryn. Mommy misses you. "You never know how much strength you have until strength is all you have left."
Had a wonderful evening with my in-laws. Enjoyed pulled pork and ended the night singing Happy Birthday to Aryn and eating cake! I can't believe it's been 3 years already. And now Aryn has a sister to watch over. I love my family.
*Celebrating Aryn's Fourth Birthday*
Happy Heavenly Birthday, Aryn. Four years ago, you were with us for but a moment, but now you're in our hearts forever. You have a little sister now, can you believe it?! I will always remember the brief time God gave us with you and be thankful for that. Until we meet again...~Mommy.
*Celebrating Aryn's Fifth Birthday*
Well, today at 10:08am 5 years ago, I was able to meet my dear child face to face for the first and only time. Aryn has made my life so special because I now know how precious life really is and to love the ones you are with. Being 20 weeks through my pregnancy it just wasn't enough time with him. Happy heavenly birthday, Aryn. You are always loved and remembered.
Celebrating Aryn's Sixth Birthday*
Celebrating Aryn's Sixth Birthday*
Happy Heavenly birthday, Aryn!
*Celebrating Aryn's Seventh Birthday*
"My body hurts all over, and to top it off, my heart aches. I begged to be released that day. I did not want to stay where other moms were enjoying the delivery of their babies. Maybe I was jealous, or angry, or just too sad. Either way, I'm glad to be home."
7 years ago today I was doing the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I was saying goodbye to my first child. In a hospital room where it took 3 days to induce him. In that instant at 10:08 in the morning, I became a mother without a child. It wouldn't be for another 3 years that I would be blessed and terrified to be pregnant again. I woke up this morning and sang "Happy Birthday" to Aryn in my mind. I sat up in bed and remembered a few things...
-It was confirmed that Aryn had passed away on Friday 11/2, and sadly the hospital was booked until Monday 11/5 for me to go in. That was the longest weekend I've had to endure.
-Aryn had Adam's lips
-Aryn looked perfect. 10 fingers, 10 toes...so tiny
-The first nurse....a special "bereavement" nurse, you know, someone trained to deal with this sort of thing...introduced herself by hugging me (um, no) and proceeded to complain about how naughty her 3-year-old was and how she wanted to spank her. (Ya, lady, I would trade places with you right now in a heart beat) . Needless to say after that and the umpteenth time of her hugging me, she was replaced thankfully...
-They have small donated clothes for the babies in the hospital for this sort of thing, and I to this day still have them.
-This sort of thing is not written in the What to Expect books. I mean, yes, there is a section in the end briefly addressing it...but nothing about what I SHOULD expect when I got to the hospital that day.
-At Mercy Gilbert, they had people calling several weeks later apparently to follow up on everyone's stays at the hospital. What the person called me failed to do was actually see why I was there. Because it was the most heart-wrenching thing to hear her ask, "And how are you and the little one doing?" To which my reply was, "Well, I'm getting better, but you better look at your file because my baby was a stillborn."
-I said it 7 years ago, and I still stand firm on this. When you get into a part of your life where there is devastation all around you, where the doctors are telling you what will happen, even when at times...when you feel like everything....every innocent thing that you know to be true is ripped from you, you have to find a way, ANY way to grieve. For us, we chose to laugh. We made morbid jokes. We made "too-soon" jokes. They doctors will tell you what the numbers mean, when the inevitable is. But they can't tell you how to grieve. And by laughing, that gave us control over the situation again. It made me who I am today. It is that special thing about mine and Adam's relationship. So in a sense, perhaps Aryn gave us that gift before we had to say goodbye.
-It was confirmed that Aryn had passed away on Friday 11/2, and sadly the hospital was booked until Monday 11/5 for me to go in. That was the longest weekend I've had to endure.
-Aryn had Adam's lips
-Aryn looked perfect. 10 fingers, 10 toes...so tiny
-The first nurse....a special "bereavement" nurse, you know, someone trained to deal with this sort of thing...introduced herself by hugging me (um, no) and proceeded to complain about how naughty her 3-year-old was and how she wanted to spank her. (Ya, lady, I would trade places with you right now in a heart beat) . Needless to say after that and the umpteenth time of her hugging me, she was replaced thankfully...
-They have small donated clothes for the babies in the hospital for this sort of thing, and I to this day still have them.
-This sort of thing is not written in the What to Expect books. I mean, yes, there is a section in the end briefly addressing it...but nothing about what I SHOULD expect when I got to the hospital that day.
-At Mercy Gilbert, they had people calling several weeks later apparently to follow up on everyone's stays at the hospital. What the person called me failed to do was actually see why I was there. Because it was the most heart-wrenching thing to hear her ask, "And how are you and the little one doing?" To which my reply was, "Well, I'm getting better, but you better look at your file because my baby was a stillborn."
-I said it 7 years ago, and I still stand firm on this. When you get into a part of your life where there is devastation all around you, where the doctors are telling you what will happen, even when at times...when you feel like everything....every innocent thing that you know to be true is ripped from you, you have to find a way, ANY way to grieve. For us, we chose to laugh. We made morbid jokes. We made "too-soon" jokes. They doctors will tell you what the numbers mean, when the inevitable is. But they can't tell you how to grieve. And by laughing, that gave us control over the situation again. It made me who I am today. It is that special thing about mine and Adam's relationship. So in a sense, perhaps Aryn gave us that gift before we had to say goodbye.
Happy Heavenly Birthday, Aryn. Mommy loves you.
Looking back on all these posts I've made over the last 8 years on this day is remarkable. You have to really hand it social media and this push to "share memories". I am seeing it. The growth. It might be subtle, but it is truly there. Upon returning home from the hospital, there was quite a bit to be done. We had to plan a funeral for Aryn. We had to decide on so many things. At 22 years old, this was completely out of my league. Thumbing through the funeral home's catalog along with my husband and my mother, we came upon the perfect urn. A royal blue color, which seemed so strong only to break through with gorgeous doves in flight. The urn, in the catalog, was called, "Coming Home". Yes. Aryn was in fact not with me but with our Lord. And I found peace in that. With my grandmothers and other family that had already passed away, he was safe with them until I got there. This urn would do just fine.
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